Close shaves 2 – where did I put that soothing balm?

CAREFUL DEAR READERS...THIS ONE IS A LITTLE NAUGHTY – skip over if you don't want to know


The last story looked at a mix up where my mother thought I was using certain aid for my sexual awakening. She thought I was going to give Little Logan a little bath in shaving foam. I wasn't, but later in my life I came to understand that you really should be careful what you put down there.


I was a late bloomer with the fairer sex. Oh I knew the mechanics and was aware of what to do. But it was all theory and no practice. University sort of helped me along the path. I never 'did the deed' in those hallowed halls of learning, but I came close. Too close...


Me and an unnamed lass got drunk and flirty one night. Who she was is unimportant..it never got that far for either of us to be embarrassed. It did get far enough that we were both naked, making out, having fun...and she asks me to pass her the lube to aid...her helping me out at the time.


I scramble on the bed side table in the dark where she says the tube was and pass her it. She applies it to her hands and Little Logan and gets to work.


It was nice...nice and warm...nice and...very warm...nice and ...should it be that hot?..I thought the lube reduced the friction....ow
ow ow ow ow
That's burning!
LITTLE LOGAN WAS BURNING!!


I jump of the bed screaming and run to the bathroom.


Now one vital missing bit of information was the lady in question was something of a sports nut.
And she had Deep Heat on her bed side table as well


I spent the next 30 mins with my bits in the sink, the tap running over it, with the lady dying of laughter.


We never went any further than that....

Close shaves

Have you ever been unjustly blamed for something? Been caught at the wrong time in the wrong place? It’s not often better to admit to the crime you are accused of than to tell the truth, but in this case it was. It just saved on all the awkward questions.

 

As mentioned in previous blogs, I spent a large portion of my formative years...well the weekends anyway...at the Billing Aquadrome caravan park. Caravans are – by there nature – a small affair compared to your average home. I am talking about UK caravans here – not the palatial trailers you see in US tv shows and films. They are liveable in, but hardly something for families. People tend to get on top of each other. There is very little privacy. Its why you often see kids running around the parks for as long as possible doing the mast banal things. ANYTHING to get out of those four fibreglass walls.

Things were worse when you needed to be private...for whatever reason. For me...at the start of this story...that reason was going toilet. Now, in our family we are not shy. When young and at home, people walk in when you are on the loo or in the shower...it is not an issue. Thing is, I had eaten something before hand..something spicy...and it was not agreeing with me.

I was embarrassed at the noises and smells I would make, so I waited till my parents had nipped out and dashed for the loo. The loo was a small room, just enough space for one person, behind the living room, by the kitchen. It had one of those chemical toilets...the ones you LOVED to empty at the end of the weekend with the blue stuff which stained EVERYTHING. Ahh the joys of camping....

So I sat down and let loose...never up to that point had I evacuated so much and so quick and made so much smell. And dear lord did it sting. I had to stop every few moments to just get my breath back from the pain. After 15 minutes of noise and smells I was done...but the pain continued.

I gingerly cleaned myself, stinging all the time. This was my first 'ring of fire'. I just sat there...wishing the pain would ease.

Then I saw my dad's shaving kit.

It had shaving foam.

Shaving foam for sensitive skin.

With 'soothing balm' in it.

Now THAT may ease my pain.

In my defence I was young...and a little naïve....

I stood carefully in the cramped space...pants round my ankles, leant forward for the foam and squeezed some out into my hand.

It was at this moment that my mother opens the toilet door.

I had not heard her come back into the caravan and me being quiet waiting for the pain to ease meant she did not know I was in the loo.

She was greeted with the sight of her son, pants round his ankles, a pile of shaving foam in his hand.

She puts a hand over her mouth, says 'Sorry' and quickly closes the door again.

I clean my hand and slowly leave the toilet. The pain in my ass forgotten for now.

My mother sits me at the kitchen table and says the following, or something close.

“We all have these urges my dear, its perfectly natural and nothing to be ashamed of. I am just sorry I burst in on you like that. Please do not be ashamed. Just find somewhere a little more private next time. OK son?”

I did not have the heart to tell her I was planning to use the foam on my bum...that MAY have made things worse in her mind. To this day she still thinks she caught me...enjoying myself.

Crossed wires

As an addendum to the electricity stories I would also like to add one other 'event'. This shows the point I raise in my first blog and at the head of the page. I have a bad memory and what I do have is active. I have put together large chunks of my past have been pieced together from what people have told me happened. That's why there are two versions of this story – what I thought may have happened for at least a decade...and what actually may have happened.

What I THOUGHT happened

I was a youngster...around 11 think, and my parents and I regularly went to the caravan park in Northamptonshire called Billing Aquadrome. It was the sort of caravan part where you had caravans that never went anywhere – more little weekend holiday homes. It had nice lakes, arcades, and lots of open land to run and play in.

Or in my case waddle in...I have never really been a small kid

I DID however, like to explore, so I often went for wanders.

One rainy Sunday I stuck on my wellies and went for a wander to the far side of the park. I knew there was this lock there and a small path out to the country...it was the wild unknown land and sort of naughty to go as it was going out the park.

You know...the sort of place you HAD to go when you were a kid.

It started raining and I only had a t-shirt on but I was young and did not care...it was light rain I think

Then there was a big BANG and FLASH!!!

That's the last thing I remember-until I turned up at the caravan...covered in mud...spiky hair...and what looked like a burn on my chest....did I get HIT BY LIGHTNING!!! my parents thought so.....

What REALLY happened

I was a youngster...hang on...this bits the same...RIGHT...so skip that bit

So...this bit needs some background...my dad played a lot of golf during that time and on that day

Someone DID get struck by lightning-a person on the golf course-and that was the talk of adults on the day

On the day in question I did go out and have a play

The bang and flash? It was me jumping out the way of a car on the path and getting clipped by it as I did, landing in the drainage ditch at the side

This explained the mud...the spiky hair...

When I got in my dad apparently – in his usual gallows humour – apparently said, “looks like someone else got hit by lightening today!!”

And that's SORT of why I remember it that way

One thing though...what about the burn on the chest?!?

Questions still need to be answered.....

SOOO as I said from the start....I have a bad memory and a good imagination..

I don't intend it tell a lie...but if I get something wrong....SORRY!!

This may be shocking....

*LOGAN HEALTH WARNING* - there may be some puns in here...oh and its a long 

one...buckle up

Many say I have an 'electric' personality...there I said it...got that pun right out the park. Well the truth is that me and those pesky charged electrons have had something of an odd relationship. Over the years they have told me on more than one occasion that THEY are the boss and I should be VERY thankful that they are powering my TV/Computer/Phone/Girlfriends vibrator.

The schooling that electricity has given started small. It began with the extreme version of electricity's little cousin...static

1 - Retail wreckage

I spent most of my teenage years shuffling my feet. Part of this was the usual teenage ennui, but it was also due to the way I walked when I was a kid (another story). The thing was that shuffling feet can generate some static. In me...well it was a very different story. This was a a whole world of pain from static. I touched metal or someone’s hand and there was that shock...a big one.

It was annoying, but nothing more. An oddity. It didn't really become an issue until I started to go to HMV Leicester more. They had put there video section in the basement and there was this lovely shag style carpet. A few minutes of shuffling round looking for some cheap horror film or anime and that had stored up quite a few free electrons. With video (or was it DVD by then?) in hand I went up to the till. The item was scanned and I held out the money for the cashier.

Our hands meet and the inevitable happens.

An unknown level of current passes between us and the cashier swears in pain.

End of story right? The deed is done...errr no

The cashier has the register open, his hand on it...and its computerised

Well it WAS computerised until the charge I held passes from me, to the cashier...to the till.

With a small pop, the screen above the register goes blank

I mumble a sorry and leave....

All would have been fine....but this happened twice!! I was threatened with being banned from the store...

Soooo electricity had begun my harsh lesson in respect. The next time would be during the many times I helped out my dad on a building site....

2 - Construction Calamity

I am not very good at construction...DIY may as well stand for DUH IDIOT...YOU!!! as far as I am concerned. However, I am strong and I am good at knocking things down. So, my dad, who is a builder, used to bung me some cash to help him out fetching and carrying, but also by knocking down the odd wall.

It was the demolition I enjoyed the most.

One day, dad hands me a pickaxe and asks me to have a go at this wall.

It was a nice wall and I had nothing against it, but a jobs a job. I also had some frustration to deal with..and the wall was a convenient target, so I attacked it with gusto.

Now parts of the job spec which was missed out – quite important parts were the following facts a) there was a mains wire in the wall and b) the mains had not been turned off

After ten minutes attacking the wall with the pickaxe I suddenly gained an amazing super power - flight. It was a somewhat limited super power in that it was only allowing me to fly about six foot, and I was flying backwards.

Yes...I had caught the cable, and the shock threw me backwards..Other than a bruised bum there was no damage though. This did not mean that the lesson was not learnt.....always respect electricity, wherever it may live. If you stir the hornets nest you may get stung- or in this case almost fried.

The next lesson was one in never letting your guard down.

3 - Water let down

There were a number of things wrong with the first house I rented after I left university. Many years later I found that one of those things was that the boiler had been condemned. This was comforting as it was just by my bedroom at the time. However, in the context of this story, the place where I lived was not that bad – insane house mates and infestation of crickets notwithstanding

I did find out though that the landlord was possibly not the best electrician

Now...I like a shower every morning. I try and shower at least once a day. I find it very refreshing and wakes me up.

I can already tell you know where this is going. It is sort of predictable. By this point I have set out a general theme...oh well, I have started this trip...may as well see it to its conclusion...

YES – my first flat had a power shower and I always thought it woke me up very well...it definitely left me refreshed and full of energy (sorry another pun)

Indeed, it gave me a LOT of energy one morning when the tingling from the shower got very sharp very quick..again my super power came into effect, this time it was even more limited, allowing me to fly backwards just a few feet out the shower...

Again, a few bruises but no lasting damage..I think

It seems the power shower's pump had been incorrectly earthed...shocking!!

The final lesson for tonight was a simple one...

4 - DON'T STICK IT IN THERE

I have a small fascination trying to find out how things work. When I was young this meant I had a small tool kit and man MANY parts from t things I took apart and failed to put back together. In my later years, laziness has dulled this desire. However, this did not stop me one time trying to get a closer look at one of those disposable cameras.

You know the ones...the ones wrapped in cardboard they used to have which you could then post off for developing...before we left the stone age and went digital.

The younger readers will not understand the nature of photos before digital..we actually had little boxes with real film in...there were also little elves inside that drew all the pictures we flashed at it.....at least I think that's what happens

That's why I opened up one of those cardboard devils.

Inside was a plastic brick with a small generic AA battery. The battery was for the built in flash. It was one of those flashes that charged up and discharged its energy in one big explosion of light.

It was also a flash which I had inadvertently charged up when taking the covering off.

And then I caught the small metal catch which activated the flash...the bit that completed the circuit between the charged battery and the flash

And the full charge went into me.

I am aware that of all the shocks I had up to this point...this was possibly the smallest but BUGGER did it hurt the most!!

Curiosity did not exactly kill the cat in this case, but it did singe its fur.

SO what have we learnt from this. Electricity should be respected and you need to be careful round it. You possibly also know not to be ANYWHERE near me during a thunder storm and always make sure your are wearing rubber shoes when we shake hands.

Although intercourse could get quite interesting....besides, condoms are made of rubber right?

Exercising my rights

Despite my size I do like to keep as fit as I can with some form of exercise. At different times of my life I have tried various things such as walking, swimming and more recently, gym equipment and computer based simulations.

Thing is, when I do exercise on my own in my home I tend to do it naked...or at most in pants.

Not being weird, its just I sweat a lot and do not want to get clothes all messed up and need washing after only one session. Also I was brought up in a house were being naked was not a big deal.

After all its just flesh and its what you do with it that's sexual.

With the recent simulations such as the Playstation Dance Mats and the Xbox Kinect games the same is the case. Unfortunately you also have cameras on these things now and I can now see my flabby flesh bouncing around to the latest 'tunes'. Trust me, this is not John Travolta in Staying Alive here...its Chunk doing the Truffle Shuffle...but its all keeping the ticker going...just don't storm into my house if you hear music or try to hard to look through the window.

But it gets better....doing exercise in the nude can also be bad for you health

One time I had an exercise bike. It was good as could get half and hour or even an hour of peddling done while watching telly or reading a book. Once such marathon session had me peddling, working or a sweat while watching all of the first Star Wars.

Problem came when I tried to get off and stand up.

I had unfortunately sat in such a way that had been sitting on....Little Logan....and this had cut off the circulation and made it numb like if you had laid on your arm too long

There is nothing like the worry you first feel when you can't feel your penis.

I spent a good five minutes bouncing round the room wondering what the problem was, trying to slap some life back into my member

Then the inevitable happened, the blood started flowing back in....and so did the pins and needles.

I was praying for the return of the previous numbness as it felt like someone was rolling my little fella in a cactus patch. I spent most of the rest of that day walking round like I had been riding a horse for a few days...

Needless to say I have always been a little more careful hoe I arranged myself when exercising since then.

Mother's Day

We all want to do our best for our mother, but sometimes things backfire

When I was in my early teens I was old enough to look after myself in the evenings if my parents needed quality time out.

One such evening I was up when they came back. All seemed good, they said goodnight and went to bed.

A few hours later I get woken by my mum wandering back past my room to the toilet and started moaning

I went to see if she was ok. She was wrapped around the toilet and had thrown up. At this point I was a little young to have seen the full impacts of beer – well I had seen some of it but thats another story...

Anyway....I thought Mum was ill. I asked if she was OK – she said

“Fine hun, just feeling bad and need to stay here for a while.”

I saw that she was just in her pyjamas so I did what I thought I should do, I grabbed a towel and covered here with it to stay warm

Come the next morning and mum thanked me – except I had grabbed a damp towel from beside the bath – she had now caught a cold as well as having a stinking hangover

Can't help some people....

The Milk Bottle – an addendum

The milk bottle story was one of my first and most infamous....but there a couple of addons to it

My mother is a seamstress and likes to see good quality work done and so do her friends. I am also not a prude but come a few weeks later while recovering from my circumcission I did not expect the following...

One of my mother's friends came round to see her. I hear her come in the door while I am on the bed upstairs.

I hear mumbled chatting and then my Mum yells up the stair's

“Elaine is here Paul! Do you mind if she checks out the good stitching they have done on you!”

ERRRRR nope sorry!!!

Also on this topic...the actual operation was quite interesting

I have always been big for my age...not that way! Get yer mind out the gutter!

Anyway, we get to the hospital and I get taken to the kids ward....I was only 13 after all...and presented with one of those shawls which tie at the back. I get into it and see a problem.

“Mum? I know these things are meant to give quick access for the doctors, but it should cover my bum right?

The shawl barely reached round my waist and my bum was out on display for all...ten mins later I got an adult sized one

Finally...after the operation I got added surprise from the doctors

The gauze was fluorescent green. I had a fluorescent green gauze wrapped round my privates which glowed in the dark

And I am a Star Wars fan

You can guess the rest I hope

Temporary Roomate

Me and my family are always friendly and willing to put those in need up for the night. In certain cases my parents have been even more keen to see me have a guest over when I was younger.

Of course...sometimes this led to some misunderstandings

After I finished University I came home for a short time while I was looking for a job. During this time I also caught up with some old friends I had lost touch with when I had been away.

One of these was a nice young woman I knew from my days at Homebase. Back then, the uniform was a green shirt and dungarees and I had looked like an Irish Mario...not very appealing but we were all in the same boat. Me and this woman never had any romantic connection – we were more colleges and I am sure my parents knew this.

Skip forward around four years and me and this lass ran into each other again by chance. It was a passing meeting but we wanted to catch up more – just because we were mates, so we arranged to meet again a few nights later at a pub.

My parents were uncommonly happy....pushy much?

Anyway, comes the evening and we have a pleasant drink...both get a bit tipsey but no sexual frisson or anything – Defintly just mates as far as I was concenred

Thing was we having so much fun that she misses her last bus home.

Being the gentleman I offer her a place to crash at mine – I had a spare bed in my room at the time.

I bring her home and my parents look like the Cheshire Cat....all smiles

We retire in short order and its cool – separate beds and all quiet.

Then at some point in the night she wakes up screaming

“THE SNAKES THE SNAKES!!!!!!”

She was having a nightmare and jumped over to my bed whimpering...I hugged and comforted her to she calmed down,,,she was making some very scared moaning sounds.

Things could have gone better if I did not then hear on the dividing wall between my room and my parents the sound of a fist banging followed by my dad saying

“GO ON MY SON!!”

I think the poor woman was too sleepy to actually have heard the response. She left in the morning.

Skating on thin ice

We all want to be 'cool' somehow...I am sure we all at some point want to be like the Fonz. To be able to do things and say things that are just SO Hollywood, that come straight off the silver screen.

Trust me...don't EVER give into those urges

The real world just hates it when people try and act 'cool' and the reaction is NEVER what you want

The one time I tried to be 'cool' was on an ice rink in Scotland. I was on holiday with parents in Aviemore in the Cairngorms and I took my leave of them to basically do my own thing

I found this run down ice rink and though...why not

This was the summer Dannii Minogue came to prominence to the extent that I had bought a full size scantly clad door poster of her just the day before...I always though her more attractive than her sister

And...as would become significant later, it was also the summer when Def Leppard and Lets Get Rocked was doing the rounds.

I used to skate ok – nothing fancy – enough to get round – a little wobbly – but not too unbalanced.

I was skating around and watching the people doing likewise and those on the sidelines watching us

Then I saw her, leaning on the wall around the rink.

She was just my type – curvy in the right places, dark hair...in fact more than a passing resembalnce to Dannii Minogue at the time...and she was watching me!!! She was watching me and smiling!!

SCORE!!

I went around the rink a little more, circling by, glancing in her direction now and again...she was DEFINITELY watching me!!

The clincher came a few seconds later.....Lets Get Rocked came on the rinks speaker system which had been playing jukebox music all this time

I LOVE the track...well I do a sort of skating dance to it, singing along...and the lass laps it up...smiling but not in a condescending way – laughing when I did intentionally silly things

I WAS IN HERE!!

NOW was the time I was gripped with the desire to do something cool...something that would make an impression.

One important side note...she was smoking...not a big turn on for me but she was VERY hot

ANYWAY...here it goes....as Lets Get Rocked came to an end, I skated right up to her

Took the cigarette out of her mouth

Chucked it to the ice

And then gave her a deep long kiss.....it was a good kiss – no tongues but full of passion

I broke the kiss holding her chin smiled and said

“Now isn't that better than smoking?”

NOW in the Hollywood version, the woman would smile, possibly laugh, maybe even grab the man for a deeper kiss

This wasn't Hollywood

This was Aviemore and a crappy old ice rink north of the border

She grabbed me by the front of my shirt, bunched it up in her fist and pushed me back onto the ice with an angry growl

I fell flat on my bum and slid the whole width of the rink to the other wall

Meanwhile, she tottered out onto the rink, picked up her cigarette, checked it was still lit, and stuck it back in her mouth

She also started swearing at me

That was the ONE AND ONLY moment I tried to be cool

Sealing the deal

Along with the 'milk bottle', this seems to be the story people most want to hear...trust me...no animals or anyone other than me was injured in this.

It was the summer before I went to university and was with my family in Newquay, Cornwall. It was a great holiday, lots of sun and sand, the surfing championships...lots of good looking women...and an old dock/bay surrounded by very tall and old dock walls.

I was on the beach in this bay and I see a group of lads jumping from this very high dock wall into the ocean.

Like many of the most interesting parts of my life, they tend to follow me acting without thinking... this was one of them.

I thought 'damn that looks cool...I am a good diver..lets give that a go' I turn to my parents and tell them I am going for a swim and going to give that a go...they roll their eyes and get that look in their eyes I am used to...the one where they are considering which emergency service they are going to have to ring today.

ANYWAY...I swim over, climb the steps built into the dock wall...there were a lot of them, and take up my position in the line with the other divers. They are all at least 6ft I swear...all bronzed and I think wearing same shorts. I found out later this was the Newquay swimming team or something...and they gave me the dirtiest looks...which made me just want to do this more. They did not want me there, this fat little fella...so I would dive and show them I was good

Which I am

So I line up, crouch, then leap out into the air, making sure I pushed well away from the wall.

It was amazing. On most dices you hit the water before you can think. This time I felt like I was flying forever. In fact, this was the problem. I was in the air so long I wondered...'just how far do I have to go'..and looked up a little

BIG MISTAKE

That was the point I hit the water and with head up I was out of position so belly flopped, or rather hit with my chest.

Later, my dad told me that when he saw me on the wall, he took the dog for a walk across the dock...just in case. He was not even halfway to me when I dove and did not seem me. He did know it was me when he heard a huge BANG as I hit the water.

It hurt more than it sounds. I was out of breath, trying to tread water, basically dazed.

That's when a grey lump bounced to the surface in front of me

It was very large, like a great grey torso.

I gasped again...and then I saw its face

It was a seal!!!

Those watching told me it was swimming just under the surface where I dove...actually exactly where I landed.

I had landed on top of it.

Now it was floating on top of the ocean...motionless

DEAD?!?

All I could see was this dog like face, gazing at me...

I flipped, I panicked, I went plain crazy!! Despite still hurting I started swimming for shore.

Again, second hand I heard that I was halfway to shore when the creature shook itslef...and swam away.

I knocked it out..I had clubbed a seal with my own body

The World Wildlife Fund (WWF) still has me on their most wanted list...the last bit was a joke..the rest not so much

Mixed fortunes

You ever get warned not to ask questions if you don't want to know the answers? Well the next tale sort of covers that.

Many years ago, my parents had a caravan which was permanently located at a site in Northampton called Billing Aquadrome. As well as having lots of green grass to play sports on, there were a few shops and arcades, as well as a little arcade. There was also a small caravan which had a fortune teller in residence during the summer months. Her speciality seemed to be palm reading.

Well one day, me and my mate at the time were at the arcade, and we were getting tired of playing Turtles, soccer or the dodgems so...we decided to play with the 'darkside' and getting our futures told.

My mate went first, and he goes into this caravan, its small and stereotypical 'gypsy lee' style/ He gets the sort of things you come to expect when you hear palm readings – long life x many kids, some rocky patches – basically a normal life.

Then its my turn. She takes my hand. She looks in my eyes and holds the hand tight and says,

“I can tell you NOTHING except you will DIE on holy ground.”

With this she dismissed me, and shocked I left/ For the next few months I was a little freaked.

I avoided churches, graveyards etc. I even got a little worried when we had RE at school

“What was I?!?” I thought, “The reverse Highlander? Safe everywhere except holy ground?!?”

After a while the next transformer., turtle or sci-fi film took my interest...and more than one lass, and the fortune was forgot.

Until that is I went to University...at Canterbury in Kent!!

MOST OF THE FRICKING TOWN IS HOLY GROUND....my paranoid nature started to go into overdrive for the next three years...between the beers and lessons of course

Things really got bad when I learnt I was to have my graduating ceremony IN CANTERBURY CATHERDRAL!!!

I swear, I spent the entire ceremony glancing up convinced I was going to get crushed by falling chandeliers or masonry. Or the Dean would go postal and stab me in the eye with my Diploma.

SOOO if you see me avoiding churches or other similar places, its not because I am a vampire or will burst into flames when I go on holy ground...its just I am being cautious and not tempting fate.