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Monday, 10 January 2011

Mixed fortunes

You ever get warned not to ask questions if you don't want to know the answers? Well the next tale sort of covers that.

Many years ago, my parents had a caravan which was permanently located at a site in Northampton called Billing Aquadrome. As well as having lots of green grass to play sports on, there were a few shops and arcades, as well as a little arcade. There was also a small caravan which had a fortune teller in residence during the summer months. Her speciality seemed to be palm reading.

Well one day, me and my mate at the time were at the arcade, and we were getting tired of playing Turtles, soccer or the dodgems so...we decided to play with the 'darkside' and getting our futures told.

My mate went first, and he goes into this caravan, its small and stereotypical 'gypsy lee' style/ He gets the sort of things you come to expect when you hear palm readings – long life x many kids, some rocky patches – basically a normal life.

Then its my turn. She takes my hand. She looks in my eyes and holds the hand tight and says,
“I can tell you NOTHING except you will DIE on holy ground.”

With this she dismissed me, and shocked I left/ For the next few months I was a little freaked.
I avoided churches, graveyards etc. I even got a little worried when we had RE at school
“What was I?!?” I thought, “The reverse Highlander? Safe everywhere except holy ground?!?”

After a while the next transformer., turtle or sci-fi film took my interest...and more than one lass, and the fortune was forgot.

Until that is I went to Canterbury in Kent!!

MOST OF THE FRICKING TOWN IS HOLY paranoid nature started to go into overdrive for the next three years...between the beers and lessons of course

Things really got bad when I learnt I was to have my graduating ceremony IN CANTERBURY CATHERDRAL!!!

I swear, I spent the entire ceremony glancing up convinced I was going to get crushed by falling chandeliers or masonry. Or the Dean would go postal and stab me in the eye with my Diploma.

SOOO if you see me avoiding churches or other similar places, its not because I am a vampire or will burst into flames when I go on holy ground...its just I am being cautious and not tempting fate.

Saturday, 8 January 2011

Dairy Products

My first story is one many know me for. When I was coming up to puberty I was hit by a medical condition. It was not life threatening, but a little embarrassing. Basically, my foreskin was too-tight, so when I went to go pee, it would fill up the bell end as the hole was not big enough to let the wee out as it should. You had to squeeze it to empty it. The answer was simple – circumcision. No biggie, but more than a little embarrassing when your mates ask why you have to go into hospital...

Just before going into the opp we had a little panic in the house. I had to bring a water sample, but we could not find any suitable container.

Until my mum found a milk bottle.

Being in a panic, and more than a little naive and immature I did the thing I thought would cause the least mess...I stuck my penis in the bottle to pee.

Those with a little forethought may see where this is going.

With my penis in the bottle, the bell-end ballooned up due to the condition. And remember, I have to squeeze the head to get the liquid out...otherwise have to wet till it drips out
SOOO there I of the stairs, pants around knees, with the bottle swinging between my legs, screaming “MUUUUM”

Needless to say, I had to wait a bit to get it breaking of bottles
I can never look at a gold-top milk bottle in the same light again...

WELCOME - why am I doing this?

Welcome to my blog, or log, or whatever. I started this because quite a few people said I should start writing down my stories. They found them funny, odd, or just plain insane. At the time of writing I believe them to be true, but many have been recounted through the haze of time and second hand information. Plus I have an active imagination....SO take them as they are, some stories that may or may not have happened as they have been told, but are still entertaining to some people. Hope you enjoy...