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Tuesday, 19 April 2011

Exercising my rights

Despite my size I do like to keep as fit as I can with some form of exercise. At different times of my life I have tried various things such as walking, swimming and more recently, gym equipment and computer based simulations.

Thing is, when I do exercise on my own in my home I tend to do it naked...or at most in pants.

Not being weird, its just I sweat a lot and do not want to get clothes all messed up and need washing after only one session. Also I was brought up in a house were being naked was not a big deal.
After all its just flesh and its what you do with it that's sexual.

With the recent simulations such as the Playstation Dance Mats and the Xbox Kinect games the same is the case. Unfortunately you also have cameras on these things now and I can now see my flabby flesh bouncing around to the latest 'tunes'. Trust me, this is not John Travolta in Staying Alive here...its Chunk doing the Truffle Shuffle...but its all keeping the ticker going...just don't storm into my house if you hear music or try to hard to look through the window.

But it gets better....doing exercise in the nude can also be bad for you health

One time I had an exercise bike. It was good as could get half and hour or even an hour of peddling done while watching telly or reading a book. Once such marathon session had me peddling, working or a sweat while watching all of the first Star Wars.

Problem came when I tried to get off and stand up.

I had unfortunately sat in such a way that had been sitting on....Little Logan....and this had cut off the circulation and made it numb like if you had laid on your arm too long

There is nothing like the worry you first feel when you can't feel your penis.

I spent a good five minutes bouncing round the room wondering what the problem was, trying to slap some life back into my member

Then the inevitable happened, the blood started flowing back in....and so did the pins and needles.

I was praying for the return of the previous numbness as it felt like someone was rolling my little fella in a cactus patch. I spent most of the rest of that day walking round like I had been riding a horse for a few days...

Needless to say I have always been a little more careful hoe I arranged myself when exercising since then.

Saturday, 9 April 2011

Mother's Day

We all want to do our best for our mother, but sometimes things backfire

When I was in my early teens I was old enough to look after myself in the evenings if my parents needed quality time out.

One such evening I was up when they came back. All seemed good, they said goodnight and went to bed.

A few hours later I get woken by my mum wandering back past my room to the toilet and started moaning

I went to see if she was ok. She was wrapped around the toilet and had thrown up. At this point I was a little young to have seen the full impacts of beer – well I had seen some of it but thats another story...

Anyway....I thought Mum was ill. I asked if she was OK – she said

“Fine hun, just feeling bad and need to stay here for a while.”

I saw that she was just in her pyjamas so I did what I thought I should do, I grabbed a towel and covered here with it to stay warm

Come the next morning and mum thanked me – except I had grabbed a damp towel from beside the bath – she had now caught a cold as well as having a stinking hangover

Can't help some people....

Wednesday, 6 April 2011

The Milk Bottle – an addendum

The milk bottle story was one of my first and most infamous....but there a couple of addons to it

My mother is a seamstress and likes to see good quality work done and so do her friends. I am also not a prude but come a few weeks later while recovering from my circumcission I did not expect the following...

One of my mother's friends came round to see her. I hear her come in the door while I am on the bed upstairs.
I hear mumbled chatting and then my Mum yells up the stair's

“Elaine is here Paul! Do you mind if she checks out the good stitching they have done on you!”
ERRRRR nope sorry!!!

Also on this topic...the actual operation was quite interesting

I have always been big for my age...not that way! Get yer mind out the gutter!

Anyway, we get to the hospital and I get taken to the kids ward....I was only 13 after all...and presented with one of those shawls which tie at the back. I get into it and see a problem.

“Mum? I know these things are meant to give quick access for the doctors, but it should cover my bum right?

The shawl barely reached round my waist and my bum was out on display for all...ten mins later I got an adult sized one

Finally...after the operation I got added surprise from the doctors

The gauze was fluorescent green. I had a fluorescent green gauze wrapped round my privates which glowed in the dark
And I am a Star Wars fan
You can guess the rest I hope

Monday, 4 April 2011

Temporary Roomate

Me and my family are always friendly and willing to put those in need up for the night. In certain cases my parents have been even more keen to see me have a guest over when I was younger.
Of course...sometimes this led to some misunderstandings

After I finished University I came home for a short time while I was looking for a job. During this time I also caught up with some old friends I had lost touch with when I had been away.

One of these was a nice young woman I knew from my days at Homebase. Back then, the uniform was a green shirt and dungarees and I had looked like an Irish Mario...not very appealing but we were all in the same boat. Me and this woman never had any romantic connection – we were more colleges and I am sure my parents knew this.

Skip forward around four years and me and this lass ran into each other again by chance. It was a passing meeting but we wanted to catch up more – just because we were mates, so we arranged to meet again a few nights later at a pub.

My parents were uncommonly happy....pushy much?

Anyway, comes the evening and we have a pleasant drink...both get a bit tipsey but no sexual frisson or anything – Defintly just mates as far as I was concenred

Thing was we having so much fun that she misses her last bus home.

Being the gentleman I offer her a place to crash at mine – I had a spare bed in my room at the time.

I bring her home and my parents look like the Cheshire Cat....all smiles

We retire in short order and its cool – separate beds and all quiet.

Then at some point in the night she wakes up screaming


She was having a nightmare and jumped over to my bed whimpering...I hugged and comforted her to she calmed down,,,she was making some very scared moaning sounds.

Things could have gone better if I did not then hear on the dividing wall between my room and my parents the sound of a fist banging followed by my dad saying


I think the poor woman was too sleepy to actually have heard the response. She left in the morning.